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Why I tried to commit Suicide; #WorldSuicidePreventionDay

Why I tried to commit suicide by overdose in 2018 #Worldsuicideday World Suicide Day #Spoonie #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Fibro #Fibromyalgia Fierce Fibro Femme
Why I tried to Overdose and commit suicide , #worldsuicidepreventionday

Today is #WorldSuicidePreventionDay. I felt as if it may be the right time to explain exactly what happened in August. To anyone reading this, I apologize for the possibly jumbled layout and please know that I touch on multiple difficult subjects and discuss what drove me to attempt suicide on August 22nd 2018.

As some of you know, the past few years have been difficult for me. I was always a very busy and active person, I usually worked multiple jobs while going to school full tim and playing sports. I never knew what it was to be a couch potato - my very military parents never allowed it. I joined the Canadian military in 2014 and due to an unfortunate training accident, ended up tearing my right hamstring, partially dislocating my left hip, tearing my 3rd meta and developping nerve damage in my right dominant hand. I was in a wheelchair for a few months, and being confined to base was difficult on my mental while injured (although the CAF is wonderful and I have nothing to hold against them). I left in 2015, where I decided to go back to school to study Respiratory Therapy.

During this time, I started experiencing symptoms that I didn't quite understand and related to my previous injury. I could no longer stand in my labs, I had difficulty intubating because of tremors in my hands, I couldn't grasp some concepts even though school had always been excessively easy. I then started becoming sick - the first year was just severe colds, weakness and the flu once every couple of months. I was also at home, where my mum is also severely affected by fibromyalgia and my sister just started being in remission for stage 4 neuroblastoma so I never felt like I was "as sick" as them.

It wasn't until I wen't through a rough breakup that things started to get worse due to stress. I wasn't able to move how I wanted - it is like my brain can't send the proper commands for my body to move at times. I started having bronchitis even though I was extremely healthy, and also became very brittle. I easily started breaking toes and fingers, but blamed it on being clumsy and having triplet sisters under 2 at the time.

When I met Auggie , I was starting to feel better. I had lessened my stress, living at home with my family and getting ready to head back to school. My life was turned upside down not due to them, but an ex that decided to stalk us and make our lives miserable and ruin our names in the queer community. I ended up with : a fractured ankle, pneumonia x 2, bronchitis over a dozen times, abcesses, lost my hair, breast infection, pleural rubs, arythmias, bradychardia and so much more. After going through intensive therapy and dozens of rounds of antibiotics and medications within the span of only one single year, We decided to move to Halifax to start new. I was hopeful, I never expected things to turn out the way they did.

Before I moved, I had made sure that I had everything settled before leaving. We were both financially stable, I was mentally well and physically as good as I could have been with the limited medical support in Ottawa. I had a job lined up , and my friend had rented us a condo which was supposed to be wonderful. As soon as we moved, we realized that we lived in what we like to refer as "a retirement community". We were completely isolated, in a community pretty far from downtown and difficult to access public transport, and then our upstairs neighbors blew their washer which completely destroyed our bathroom. No one fixed it.

During this time, the company I was supposed to work for never called me back to confirm my first day so I started working for a company that deals with mental health in children by doing psych evaluations. However, my coworker that sat less than two feet besides me had bronchitis, passed the cold along to me and I was out for a couple of weeks. The day I came back, they refused my doctor's note and let me go.

One day, when I was home alone, I was scrolling through social media when I felt a sudden sharp pain in my lower stomach. I then felt like I was truly dying - as I was passing out in a puddle of my own sweat, I managed to text Auggie 911, and say goodbye to my family with an I love you text. Sounds dramatic but I truly thought I was having a heart attack with the amount of pain I was having. After being rushed to the ER, I was told I had ovarian cysts explode and probably had something known as PCOS. i knew that I needed more support and help so I called the mental health crisis team and with the help of the ER, received referrals to the pain clinic at the QE2 and a mental health center that provides counselling.

I had my first appointment with my Social Worker (SW) in January which extended an hour and a half longer than typical interviews as there were many intersections that we needed to discuss and I have not had an easy life for a 24 year old. I was assured that I would get the help I needed at this center , and was referred additionally to a DBT program that I would take alongside 1-on-1 counselling plus trauma counselling for sexual assault at another center. She was supposed to revise my case and see me in a couple of weeks. The day of my next appointment came and she cancelled due to illness, which is understandable. I called back, left voicemails, then went to the office, then left physical messages until I had sent out about 20 different ways of communication.

While this was happening, we moved out again, to an apartment in downtown Halifax. We were told this was a dog friendly apartment, and there had been no issues previously. The first night, we closed the lights and heard some moving around. After turning on the lights quickly, we realized we had a cockroach infestation. Not only that, but the landlords decided that they did not allow dogs, and I ended up severely allergic to the dander that had been left behind.

Why I tried to Overdose and commit suicide , #worldsuicidepreventionday

We moved out about a month later, to another apartment downtown. At this point, I was constantly sick, had difficulty walking and leaving the house, would only have one good day per week, had insomnia and excessive chronic pain. I was not ready to accept my limitations yet and kept pushing, and was hired on as medical emergency assitant for a large Halifax based company. I had previously been let down by two companies ; one local company that wanted to hire me on for social media management and the day that I was supposed to start decided they did not have the budget, and another that wanted me to implement a whole social media service, working 40+ hours a week, but be expected to keep a full time job as well. I was hopeful as this was a sit down job, with a company that was apparently very queer and disability friendly. I started working overnights as this was the ONLY shifts that were not on rotation, would have the same days and I was already insomniac.

When I started working, I quickly realized that the training we had was not sufficient and the job expectation was completely different than what was expected. I would often be the ONLY PERSON IN CANADA to deal with patients because we were under staffed. We were told at the start that most of our calls would consist of colds - most of my calls consisted of sexual assaults, deaths, severe injuries, surgeries and one possible kidnapping. I received no support and even worse, we were constantly told we were doing things wrong and were causing this company to lose it's clients. All except one of my coworkers who worked overnight got excessively ill to the point of hospitalization. I gave them notes upon notes stating I had disabilities, I was ill, etc. During one of the last sexual assault calls, my PTSd was triggered. The medical staff following me felt it best that I transfer to another project that was being offered, which was work from home and much less stressful. I am also severely allergic to honey dew melon which they kept bringing in as treats for employees, even though I asked multiple times for emails to be sent out so as to bring to fruit.

The next day after I applied, I received a call from my HR stating that they had received my transfer, that they wanted to keep me and that I would be switched as soon as they had someone to take over for me - which initially was supposed to only be a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks dragged into a month where I was still receiving difficult calls and getting sicker as I worked, until I called HR back asking if they had heard any news. I was directed to the head of HR to discuss my disability to see if we could switch me faster.
While this was happening, I had two men in my backshift group make excessively homophobic comments. I reported it to my supervisors, which was filed to HR. I was told that the person who had made the most serious remarks would be moved to day shift and the other person would be talked to. What actually ended up happening was that the one person was talked to and nothing else happened. No sensitivity training, no switch to dayshift or even put in a different location. Absolutely nothing was done other than a slap on the wrist, and this coming from a company that walks in the pride festival every year.

I sent an email off to the head of HR and did not hear back. Then, I sent an email off to my Project Coordinator asking for them to reapply for my benefits card as I was supposed to have had medical benefits for over three months yet they kept not putting in requests for my card to be sent. This email was sent to the head of HR, who decided this was the best time to blame me for not having my benefits, and then replying to my email completely ignoring my disability and stating that unless I was to "show up more and meet their standards", I would be staying in the same position until minimally October.

Their abelist ideologies and the way they treated me afterwards made my life a pure hell. They practically forced my to quit so that they would no longer have to deal with someone being ill. Not ONCE did they ever talk about my disability, even though in every message I begged for a chance to explain myself. They refused and ignored me, even with medical documentation. My 2 weeks notice to quit stated specifically that due to disability, I could not achieve the results they were expecting. After I put in my notice, no one spoke to me.

At the same time, I had met someone who seemed relatively normal. Because I had been told that I would be getting this job, but to work from home I would need an office, I moved in with her. It was a rash decision after only dating for a few months, but it was necessary for my work and seemed like a great idea. I have yet to heal or even process all of what happened, so I will keep this short - during the couple of months I lived with her, her dog attacked me to the point where I now have additional nerve damage in my right arm and several scars , she sexually assaulted me at a Halifax Pride event while too inebriated to remember, gaslighted me with her ex, hung out and got drunk with her ex multiple times after shit talking me (and the time after she sexually assaulted me) and made me feel awful for having a disability. I had multiple PTSD attacks, sometimes several times per day with her. It was too much to take, and during this time my friends dropped off and I barely heard from them. I was completely alone, without any medical help, getting sicker and now without a job in an abusive relationship.

I went down to my Social Worker's office the next day after the sexual assault. She took me in for an emergency meeting, and I finally thought I would get the helf I needed. After spending an hour with me, making me recount trauma, she decided that I was too complex of a case for her and that the trauma center could deal with me when my referral would go through. I refused, begged for 1-on-1, told her I was not okay and suicidal, yet she decided to move forward with her decision in no longer seeing me.

Why I tried to Overdose and commit suicide , #worldsuicidepreventionday

The day I tried to overdose, her labrador/great dane 120 pound dog had attacked me again. I was terrified and told her to bring him to the vet. I was panicked and remember crying and screaming while on the floor. She left, in a hurry, and I didn't hear back. I thought she had been attacked by her dog and was dead, or injured. I tried calling her and her friends, yet no one knew where she was. Towards 10 pm that night, several hours after she left, she texted me to say she had been napping . I completely broke down. I realized I was now completely alone, sick and disabled, feeling like I didn't deserve to even know if my partner was alive. I called the mental health crisis team and they came to check on me.

Towards 1 am, she woke back up and we had a 10 minute conversation in which she managed to make me feel worthless again. She went back to bed after I told her I was not mentally doing well and that the mental health crisis team had just left. I had managed to calm down and was getting ready to go to bed before this. The conversation pushed me. I take responsibility for my actions and what I chose to do, I just wish situations would have been different and I would have known what I know now.
I texted everyone I loved them, wrote a letter and said my goodbyes. I expected that someone would be there in the morning so Phin , my dog, would not have to be alone for too long. It breaks my heart to even just consider what she could have gone through. It's silly, but she really is such a wonderful source of support and love.

I took quite a fair bit of muscle relaxants and wine, then expelled quite a bit of muscle relaxants and wine not much time later. I managed to drag myself in the shower where I stayed for a couple of hours. I'm not entirely sure what happened between that night and the next morning, but I remember the first text of my day being Auggie who instantly knew something was wrong although my message wasn't excessively dramatic. They came to get me, and as soon as they saw what state I was in, they took me out of the situation. My ex did not come back for four days, and then got angry at me because I had left my suicide note there and it took eight full minutes for me to text her I was okay. She found a suicide note written three days earlier and thought it was for that morning.

I was moved out within a couple of days, and have been trying to access help since. I still don't have a counselor, but I do have a doctor and my appointment for the pain clinic is this Wednesday. I now have a referral in for a psychiatrist and for the trauma center.

This isn't a story to gain your sympathy, this is to show that these things can happen to anyone. A few years ago, I was a physically fit, mentally stable, educated young adult who was joining the military. It is also to show that people do try to access resources, and most often than not, the resources are not there and people are not treated with the dignity they deserve.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do moving forward, and that's okay. I wish I could say that I see the beauty in the world now and my hope is renewed, but every day is still a fight. However, with every day that passes, smiling gets a bit easier and so does thinking about the future. I know now that I am loved, I have some wonderful people that I did not expect enter my life and become wonderful support and I am trying to prove to myself that although disabled, sick and exhausted, I am still beautiful and hold value to this world.

42 thoughts on “Why I tried to commit Suicide; #WorldSuicidePreventionDay”

      1. Thank you for your kind words, they are incredibly appreciated 💕 I hope that I can access the services I need to as well . I hope you’re having a wonderful week !

  1. It is very brave of you to write this, thank you so much :'(

    I hope things improve and you meet the sensitive caring people you deserve to have in your life.

    At this moment I am sending you healing power and inspiration!

    1. Thank you for your kind words, they are incredibly appreciated 💕 I hope that I can access the services I need to as well . I hope you’re having a wonderful week !

      1. Is it hard to access those services where you are? Over here you get put on a waiting list, 8 sessions of CBT and that is it! I was lucky to find a good therapist, but even he is only part of the picture. Without a paradigm shift in society, what can a therapist do but keep my head above water! The journey of self-discovery we are on, the expression of it and the sharing, is the best we can do for ourselves. Something inside you is reaching out, whatever happens, whatever despair is there, a love and power which cannot be quenched. I catch some of that in my hand, hold it to my heart, and feel grateful to share in this world with you :’)

  2. Oh my god, this really hit a nerve with me. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this and deal with the worst of the worst people out there. I think you could bring a case against your employer who pushed you out on grounds of not only discrimination, but failure to act on sexual assault allegations. You sound like a strong individual and I admire you and I hope you’ll let me stick around and support you through your blog as you recover.

    1. I currently am in the midst of seeing what can be done with the employer as it was a really abrupt and confusing situation. I definitely did not want to end up jobless, that’s for sure !
      The sexual assault was however , from my ex, and not at work.
      I can’t wait to see what more words of support and wisdom you bring 🦋

  3. What a beautifully brave blog. I have always thought talking helps, and in this sense you are speaking to a much larger audience and I do believe, not in vain, that this small portions of your journey will reach others and show how even when we feel alone, there are others who feel similar. Your blog is creating connections with others. I’m personally thanking God that you are still with us as you are pricelessly valued.

    1. I started social media during a lower phase in my life and it brought such wonderful connections and friendships – I feel like blogging may allow for even more in depth sharing and bonding. I love hearing other people’s stories and it really is great therapy to write about what happened . Thank you for being such a kind soul 🙏

  4. Thank you so much for being so candid throughout the story. I identify with aspects of what was shared and have nothing but love for you. You are definitely fierce and I appreciate you sharing what I think is a universal truth, that hard times can teach us the amazing gift of empathy and compassion.

    1. Thank you for your kind words of support. You are right that hard times definitely allow us to grow and be able to connect with others with more ease. I hope you are having a wonderful day 💕

  5. Thank you so much for being so candid throughout your story. I have nothing but love for you for that. I appreciated reading it so much as I identified with aspects of it. I also really love that you pointed out what I think is a universal truth, that hard times can teach us the amazing gifts of compassion and empathy.

  6. I’m still coming to grips with being physically disabled, too. I know what you mean, when you wrote about pushing yourself and ending up making yourself worse. I had worked from the time I was sixteen and never expected to quit, until I retired. I pushed myself to keep working for three years, after I should have called it quits. Then, I just crashed. Completely unable to do more than get to the bathroom and back in bed. I wasn’t passionate about the work, so my grief over losing that part of my self-identity really shocked me. I didn’t realize how much being ABLE to work defines your self-worth. I know I am lucky, because I have the most supportive partner in the world. I really hope that you find the support network that you need.

    1. You were able to formulate exactly what I’ve been feeling , minus the fact that I didn’t even have a chance to get to the retirement phase ! Have you found anything to help you? I hope symptoms have alleviated since then a bit 🦋

      1. I didn’t get to the retirement stage. I just expected to work all my life. But I feel much, much older than I am. Not working sounds great to people, when they’re well-bodied. I have bad days and terrible, horrible days, and less bad days. I try not to let it get me down, that this is the level I’m going to be at (or worse, as old age takes its knocks at me), for the rest of my life. But it’s hard to even try, when all of your doctors are telling you that the not-as-awful days are the best you can expect to feel. I take hot baths, and I always have a heating pad around. I also partake, but I end up with the munchies, then hate myself for having so little self-control. LOL!

  7. I just wanted to stop by and say that I’m reading your story. Your life matters. I’m sorry for all of the challenges you have been through in the last few years. Having support is so critical and it sounds like your support kept failing you. I hope you will find the unconditional love and acceptance for yourself and from others to journey on.

    1. Definitely sending a virtual hug and love back 💕 I appreciate your comment, it makes a world of a difference to me.

    2. Oops, comment posted above the one I meant to comment ! However , I want to start by thanking you for being so gentle and caring with me. Everything you said is validating to no extreme and it’s nice to hear that. 💕 I hope you are doing well !

    1. Definitely sending a virtual hug and love back 💕 I appreciate your comment, it makes a world of a difference to me.

  8. I love the courage you have to express your struggles. I know it isn’t easy. I’m so glad things are starting to get better. Just know, you’re not alone! You matter. We need you and your message!

  9. Hi , it’s Hubert from seehere. I’m so glad you lived! I wish I could help . I see that you have liked some of my posts THANKS! 😊. So many of us suffer and are so alone. That’s so wrong! But I wonder if there’ll ever be any real help for us from society. One thing I will say is I’m proud of you for your strength and just for being you! And yes you are loved and very beautiful, and the inner you holds your true beauty . I pray Gods mercy and blessing for you . LV. HR

    1. It was amazing stumbling onto your content and it really is true that we are never alone although sometimes we do need to be reminded ! I’m taking it day by day but I hope that at some point things will get better 🦋 Thank you for your support and I hope you’re having a wonderful day !

    1. Thank you. It’s definitely a struggle but I’m taking it one day at a time 💕 Hope you’re doing well !

  10. All you said is so true. our lives can change in a matter of seconds. One minute we’re making plans to take over the world, the next minute we don’t even know if we’ll make it to tomorrow. Life is so strange yet and even violent at times. As long as there’s life to live we have to find a way to get by and it is not always easy when little things that are usually considered a given become a struggle. Thank you for sharing this with us. Sending love and light your way!

    1. You worded it quite perfectly – one moment everything was going well and the next moment I wasn’t quite sure what happened but everything was up in flames around me 🔥 It’s definitely getting easier every day. Thank you for your words of encouragement , sending positivity your way 💜

      1. Yes ! It’s sad that people now have to fight to access healthcare , it should be the other way around where people should be flooded with help 😔 Thank you for being so kind ! I hope you’re having a great week 💜

  11. Heartrending story and one that many people can identify with I am sure, We now live in a culture that routinely allows people to be ignored/abused – well I could go on and on here. Suffice it to say that you have had many challenges and are still here to help others… so you are a “GIFT” Own that please.

    1. Yes ! It’s sad that people now have to fight to access healthcare , it should be the other way around where people should be flooded with help 😔 Thank you for being so kind ! I hope you’re having a great week 💜 (comments posted out of order , sorry! )

    1. Thank you ! I just hope it resounds with a few and helps people feel less alone 💜 (answers ended up being posted to above comment , sorry!)

  12. I am so sorry that you went through such hell. I am grateful that you are still with us even though the days ahead may prove challenging. You have a strong spirit and despite all that has happened to you, you have artifculated very clearly the events that led up to this day. Some people have all of their bad times doled out over decades and some, (like us) experience a great deal in the very beginning of our lives. But because you have managed to survive it all so far proves to me that you have an enourmously important message to deliver. Thanks for sharing such a painful story. It just proves that regardless of how beautiful one looks or how assured they may appear, a hard journey is trying all of us. Hang in there. Please, hang in there.

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